I remember when I started thinking about marriage and getting married, that I was about 29, and prior to this time I have had two relationships that I actually thought will head to the alter (the two ended in circumstances beyond my control). I was glad to leave Naija because there were already insinuations from extended family members (not even my own immediate families) every time we meet at a wedding or any family gathering, about how I am going to be the next they would be celebrating her wedding (like they have found the man to marry me to). Leaving Niaja gave me a breather from them all and I thought being single and in the diaspora would be a breath of fresh air, alas; it is a different ball game.
Along the line, I became a single mum (by just following my heart, maybe a little stupidly, no, definitely stupidly and I must say there is no regret). One thing I have noticed is that as much as being a single parent and being in a marriageable age without being married is accepted in the western world, Within our own smaller cultural communities there is no placement for people in this category. My church, which has mainly African congregation, is an example of this. I have been attending my church for almost 3years with my Will and during that period have never been invited for any Women’s meeting, but a friend got married and started getting invites for meetings and text messages from the women’s group. This got me thinking, so to be categorised as a woman in our community one must be married, despite the fact that being of a certain age should make this automatic. On the other hand, you don’t get invites from the singles group either, maybe there should be a group call the’ in-betweeners’ (just my own thought, not like I’m bothered, at least no one can deny me being called a mother).
Being single, as it is, in this environment or even in any environment for that matter is stressful. As much as you want to fall in love (I am a traditionalist when it comes to matters of the heart so this is my view) with the right guy, it is actually hard to be in control of all the cards even if you can control some. Your own intentions might be good, girl meets boy, boy and girl fall in love, happy ending (whatever that is), but the point is, you cannot totally guarantee the intentions of the guy. A guy can say, and even act in certain ways, but he is the only one that knows what his intentions are and what length he would go to achieve those intentions. I’m not saying there aren’t tell tales signs in some relationships that its definitely heading no where, but the ditch but I’ve also heard of stories where guys went all out to conquer their preys (that’s the way I view the action). The story becomes more pathetic if you live in a locality, where everyone knows who is who, who is new in town, who has dated who and what not. By the time you go out with one person and it did not work out you are in trouble because then the count down begins. So how does a single girl ascertain which guy has a good intention and which, wants a good time.
Then there is the feeling of something must be wrong somewhere, especially if, all your siblings are married, you tick all the boxes for a wife material and you are still single, not because you decided that, that is the line you want to tow but simply because you have not met the kind of guy you would like to spend forever with. The assumptions will range from, you are too proud, a town girl who has definitely been around, or some spiritual thing. Aside from all these, then you get the stupid wannabes, who properly are thinking, oh she is definitely desperate and would settle for anything. All sorts of “nonsense people” will step up to you, which is highly irritating.
