Lonely Sex

I happen to be chatting with an ex boyfriend who is trying to stage a comeback,  he told me he was on a week’s break and all he has been doing is shopping and staying at home because all his friends are working.  I then teased him that his break would be an opportunity to see the ‘girls’ and have good ‘De-stressing Sex’.  He told me he was tired of having ‘lonely sex’, (his answer made me think, oh yeah, i must really be getting old in the game, because I’ve not heard this before) I then asked him what ‘lonely sex’ meant.  His exact line was “where u have sex and still feel like u are alone in the room or better still want her to leave so u can be alone in the room”. 

This conversation made me think about sexual relationships between the male and the female gender (I am straight so this is the only kind I can talk about).  This kept me wondering am I from a Stone age world and living in the future where sexual relationships have metamorphosed into some kind of acts, where a male and female can be involved in such an intimate act and yet be so far away.  I for one cannot have any sexual act with anyone that I would not want to cuddle up with afterwards. For me love making or sex (I understand some people believe sex and love making are two different acts – well that is another discussion) is a biggy and can only be done with someone I care enough about to be readily willing to be married to and spend forever with if it comes to that (hopefully).

I know of guys who just have sexual relationships as they say, “to let steam off” with people they know that if shove comes to push they would rather be dead than be married to them. That aside, I understand that in our generation now, that people have express or silent understanding that what ever it is they are doing (relationship, sex partnership, buddy mate, bed mate and what not) is heading no where and that it is all for sex sake.  Despite this sort of arrangement, I still would want to do it with someone I can have quality time with, someone I can have intellectual conversations with.  Someone who is good looking enough that I would be pleased to be seen with and most especially someone I can ‘spoon’ with at the end of the whole thing (for me this is essential).

I REMEMBER................

I remember my first kiss, the butterfly feelings I had in my tummy and all the new emotions I felt, that was very new to me.  It was a summer class just before I changed to a boarding school and I met this boy.  What I cannot remember is how we became an item or how we split, but I remember how strong those feelings were.

I remember my first crush in my junior school, and the silly funny emotions I felt towards a boy that I hardly even spoke to and how I always write every thing I felt in a journal.  Then, every hello between us felt like a date for me and every accidental touch was bliss.  I kept my journal for about 4 years after that year; eventually I grew out of the feelings and destroyed it.  I remember all the boys I liked in middle school and how I always pick fights with them because showing that I liked them would be humiliating.

I remember getting into uni and the freshman rush by old students and how I eventually agreed to date one of the well-known guys.   All those mushy feelings came rushing back again and how all the sweet emotions came crashing at the speed at which they went up, just because I was not ready to go down the sex lane with Mr Popular.  It was a crazy time.

I remember a time I do not want to remember simply because now it is meaningless to me and surprisingly marks when I felt I was ready to become an adult.

I remember a period and the person that I did the must insane things that  I have ever done with, that I was totally ME with and I had the best sex I’ve ever had with.

I remember falling crazily in love with my colleague and knowing that I was acting stupid.  Despite the cruel way, he behaved when I was pregnant with our child and after, I remember how I couldn’t move on until about 4 years later...

What I cannot remember is all the lovely feelings I felt growing up in love at different stages of my teenage to adult life.  I am longing to love, to be spontaneous, to have butterflies in my tummy, to miss my love so much that I cannot eat or sleep.  I want to daydreams in his arms, to be held all night, to make sweet love, to be happy, most importantly, I want to be loved as much as I love.