I REMEMBER................

I remember my first kiss, the butterfly feelings I had in my tummy and all the new emotions I felt, that was very new to me.  It was a summer class just before I changed to a boarding school and I met this boy.  What I cannot remember is how we became an item or how we split, but I remember how strong those feelings were.

I remember my first crush in my junior school, and the silly funny emotions I felt towards a boy that I hardly even spoke to and how I always write every thing I felt in a journal.  Then, every hello between us felt like a date for me and every accidental touch was bliss.  I kept my journal for about 4 years after that year; eventually I grew out of the feelings and destroyed it.  I remember all the boys I liked in middle school and how I always pick fights with them because showing that I liked them would be humiliating.

I remember getting into uni and the freshman rush by old students and how I eventually agreed to date one of the well-known guys.   All those mushy feelings came rushing back again and how all the sweet emotions came crashing at the speed at which they went up, just because I was not ready to go down the sex lane with Mr Popular.  It was a crazy time.

I remember a time I do not want to remember simply because now it is meaningless to me and surprisingly marks when I felt I was ready to become an adult.

I remember a period and the person that I did the must insane things that  I have ever done with, that I was totally ME with and I had the best sex I’ve ever had with.

I remember falling crazily in love with my colleague and knowing that I was acting stupid.  Despite the cruel way, he behaved when I was pregnant with our child and after, I remember how I couldn’t move on until about 4 years later...

What I cannot remember is all the lovely feelings I felt growing up in love at different stages of my teenage to adult life.  I am longing to love, to be spontaneous, to have butterflies in my tummy, to miss my love so much that I cannot eat or sleep.  I want to daydreams in his arms, to be held all night, to make sweet love, to be happy, most importantly, I want to be loved as much as I love.